my bare legs

Writing about my old pair of socks made me remember a conversation I had with my mother over the phone a while ago... She didn't want to go with the family to a water park, because she didn't like the way people looked at her legs. She has suffered from varicose veins ever since I remember. I remember her being self-conscious about it and often times she was an object of ridicule for my dad. He would say to me, "go ask mom if we can play with her marbles"... Every time I think about it, my heart aches. I'm not sure if I ever smiled or played along with dad... I do remember, however feeling confused. After all, I too had spots all over my legs which caused me to be the object of ridicule for other kids.

Listening to mom sharing her insecurities with me made me realize that, no matter how old I am, I still feel uncomfortable, uneasy, and anxious when I expose my bare legs to the world. It scares me -- I don't want to  grow old with that feeling. I am afraid of never being able to fully enjoy simple things with my kids, such as going to a splash pad. So, over the last couple of years I have found that looking at my scarred skin from photographs and making illustrations from them has helped me feel a bit more at ease with my photodermatitis. It is as if I finally accept the fact that is not going anywhere and I learn to live with it. I am letting go a little at a time. Hopefully one day (soon) I will not feel uneasy when I hear the words "water park".

Today, as I worked on refreshing the portfolio website I also revisited an illustration from my book. It was just a few years ago that I still felt uncomfortable when looking at it. Today, I can't stop looking and thinking about the many other ways I could have improved that photo shoot... The ideas are starting to pile, so while the weather is still nice - sunny, 33 degrees, and the snow keeps melting, I'm grabbing the scarf, gloves, and sunscreen, because I'm going for a walk.